I have been on quite the journey.
I’ve been deeply engaged in shadow work. I also believe I’ve been going through my own dark night of the soul. Either that or I’ve been highly in tune with the collective and there are many people who believe the collective is experiencing a mass dark night of the soul. All in all, I’ve been deep in the shadows for awhile. And it has caused me to stumble and fall, and project and act out, and despair and lose a lot of my light for awhile.
I discovered I was depending a little too much on alcohol to numb myself from these things. Not too badly, I should say. I’m quite lucky that I don’t have much of an addictive personality. But I went from drinking maybe once every two weeks during theatre season, and once every three months during off season, to once a day or every other day. It might only be one drink, but then on the weekends I’d [enjoy] more than I should. I knew I was numbing the pain, but I also knew in my shadow work, there was a part of me that was acting out old wounds.
I was the good girl when I was younger. I didn’t drink. The running joke was when I was 16, I called my dad while he was out of town to ask him if I could have a beer. I didn’t take one out of the fridge, I CALLED AND ASKED PERMISSION. (It was a Corona). Then I had to ask him how to cut up a lime to put in the beer. And then when he got back in town, he found a 3/4 full beer from where I didn’t even finish it. So even at 30, I’m acting out old wishes to be wild and free, and not worried about every. little. thing. I was SO responsible when I was a kid that I was stifling myself. I didn’t “make mistakes”. I was too afraid. I always told on myself and planned everything out to the T so I would not get in trouble. If I didn’t get in trouble, I would be worthy.
If people knew what they were getting into, they couldn’t hold me accountable because they knew. They could make their own decisions. Hence… open book. Do the work. Go the extra mile. Just be everything to everyone all the time and nobody can get upset.
The thing is… I make mistakes. Of course I make mistakes. But I had it set in my brain for years that I would do everything possible to never make a mistake, because then people would love me enough. I would prove my worthiness. I would prove I wasn’t “bad” or “wrong”, and there wasn’t a logical reason for someone to be upset with me, so logically, they would love me, and logically, they wouldn’t have a reason to leave. That’s how it worked right?
So why did everyone always leave?
My perfectionism got bad. Bad. And it doesn’t look like what people might think. My OCD just continues to get worse. My brain doesn’t turn off (thanks narcolepsy) so I don’t get restorative sleep, so my brain is on constant overdrive. Imagine living in your head 24/7.
I didn’t/don’t want to be this person anymore. I was in so much pain all the time. I didn’t trust anyone. I had so many wounds that kept breaking open, healing the wrong way, and then breaking open again. I wasn’t paying attention to myself at all. I was trying to heal for others so that I’d feel loved. But I hated myself. And I didn’t understand how anyone would love me, because I was performing. And people who knew the real me… I always told myself it was only a matter of time. I didn’t actually believe they loved me. Because I had to keep working to deserve it. I didn’t believe I was worthy of it by just being me.
My inner child was constantly crying because my entire life was made up of choices to see if other people would recognize that I existed. I was jumping and waving and hoping to be seen. I had felt so neglected because I always seemed so put together. I can’t tell you how many times my entire life I had heard, “You always seem to have everything put together.” and I wanted to scream, “I’m not. I’m not put together. I’m not okay. I’m being okay because I want to be what you need me to be.” I was in survival mode my whole life. It wasn’t until my mid-20’s that I just started to break down. And it wasn’t until the past two years that I really really started to break down. I wasn’t ever sure I’d make it to 30 – either illness would get me – physical or mental.
But then Covid happened. And it was the only time I’ve ever been forced to slow down. It both devastated me and brought me exactly what I needed to heal: space and time.
I took a 5 day course about Overwhelmed Empaths from Lonerwolf. And it really helped me so much. I had a lot of epiphanies and also it held my feet to the fire. Between this, my shadow work, and just royally screwing up a few times, I’m finally starting to free myself from pain. And I want to do this the right way. For me. This time, this is for me. Because I’m worth it. I’m not doing this for anyone else. I want to feel better. I want to live. I want to thrive. And then… I can be the best version of myself for this world – and for those I love and care about.
One thing that really resonated with me in my studies is on Day 5,
Empaths are particularly prone to developing low self-esteem. Our tendency to lack boundaries and take on the energy of everyone else weakens our ability to nurture and care for ourselves. Because we often struggle to stay balanced and handle the clashing energy within and without ourselves, we often develop the belief that there’s something fundamentally wrong with us. Because of our extremely sensitive natures, we also tend to take everything to heart, which can result in harsh self-depreciation.
www.lonerwolf.com
I have believed my entire life that there is something fundamentally wrong with me. Every time I screw up, I immediately turn to: “I’m bad”, or “I’m manipulative” or “I’m evil”. Because the wounds run so deep – it’s hard for simple mistakes to feel like simple mistakes. Mistakes feel like permanent marks on my skin, showing the world that I am dark, worthless, tainted. And no one would love me because I only bring darkness.
So I am learning to love myself through the darkness. I deserve grace. I deserve to be loved even when I am annoying. Even when I’m sad. Even when I’m dramatic. Even when I’m not easy to be around.
I DO NOT HAVE TO BE PERFECT TO BE LOVED. I DO NOT HAVE TO EARN LOVE. I am loved just as I am.
