One of the biggest changes I have made in the last two weeks is
I have become uncomfortably, brutally, beautifully, but gently honest with myself.
I keep a notebook with me at all times. When I experience an emotion, I pause and notice it. I used to either let it completely overwhelm me or I would stuff it down into the filing cabinet I kept in my “do-not-under-any-circumstances-open-this-door” room in my heart. I have been reading a LOT of articles that center around managing emotion, emotional and spiritual wellness, and what emotions MEAN. Also, this could shock a lot of people, but a really great resource for me lately has been TikTok.
Yes. You read that right. TikTok.
There’s a whole movement on TikTok about mental health and spiritual awakenings. So many people talk about their own experiences and give beautiful words of encouragement. If anything, it helps me find resources and helps me feel less alone.
Anyway, I have been doing so much inner child work over the past several months. Whenever I feel something, I check in with her. Sometimes, whatever I’m feeling is linked to something that happened when I was a kid. It’s not even anyone’s fault. My inner child is just grieving still because she’s never healed from whatever that incident was, and that emotion is still tucked away in that filing cabinet and I have to sneak in there, get it out, and fight it off so she feels safe again. It’s lessening the load. Decluttering my filing cabinet. Letting her know that she is loved and worthy and SAFE. It takes a lot of self-awareness and really sitting in whatever is happening, so the mental and emotional load is a LOT.
On top of that, I just recently started doing some shadow work. What is shadow work, you ask?
“The shadow is a moral problem that challenges the whole ego-personality, for no one can become conscious of the shadow without considerable moral effort. To become conscious of it involves recognizing the dark aspects of the personality as present and real. This act is the essential condition for any kind of self-knowledge.”
https://highexistence.com/carl-jung-shadow-guide-unconscious/
– Carl Jung, Aion (1951)
The shadow is the parts of our personality that we choose, albeit subconsciously, to reject and repress because we do not like what we consider to be the “dark” parts of ourselves. We might think society would reject us or we would not find anyone to love us if they see the parts of us that we don’t even like. So, we pretend they don’t exist. We ignore them and push them away. But they don’t just go away. Repressing these elements of yourself just pushes them down until they continue to pile on top of each other, building up until you inevitably explode. This becomes your blind spot. You can’t see these parts of yourself anymore, and you betray yourself and others by denying these parts of yourself exist. They become impulses that you may not understand.
Our brains wanting to protect ourselves from pain sounds like a good thing. And in many cases, it is. But in this particular case, it’s not. We need to face our own shadow.
So what have I been doing? I’ve been doing a lot of deep diving into my filing cabinet.
I am learning that no emotions are bad. Emotions are lessons to help us understand what’s really going on inside of us. We just need to learn how to interpret them.
Emotions are their own language.
Emotions are a language we have been taught to silence. But once we learn how to open ourselves up to them and really listen to what they have to say, then we can understand the message. The message is the connector – the conduit. The conduit between us and the energy and the universe.
Universe —> energy (soul) —> body
So, emotions are just one language to help us understand or own energy. How we feel about things. We need to be balanced, and if we are out of balance, our emotions will let us know. But we have to be open to listening to our emotions so we can find ways to balance ourselves again.
But we have to know ourselves fully, otherwise, our shadow self will be a blind spot and our emotions will show us behavior we do not recognize because we refuse to accept that it is part of us. So the message is incomplete.
So I am paying attention. I sit with the discomfort. I acknowledge what comes up and accept what it is, as uncomfortable as it is. I don’t rush to feel better right away. I identify the shadow and say, “I know you exist. And that’s okay. I’ll love you even when you’re not perfect. Even when you fall down. Truly make mistakes. It’s not up to anyone else to accept you. I have to.”
I write down the emotion. A lot of mine center around self-worth. Feeling: jealousy. Fear. Worry of abandonment. I am not good enough. My feelings are not valid. I have to take care of everyone else first. Resentment from these feelings.
Then, I talk with my inner child. I nurture her and help her feel safe. Because most of these feelings stem from very old wounds that never healed. I walk her through why she’s hurting, and how she’s worthy of being heard. I just pour everything out without holding anything back. Even the bad stuff. And I say
It’s okay that you feel this way. You are not bad. You are not wrong. You are allowed to feel this way. Just because you have these emotions or these parts of you does not make you BAD. If you mess up, you are still loved. Nothing will stop you from being lovable.
There are no conditions to you existing and deserving to be worthwhile and loved.
I have a long way to go. I have so much to learn. I still experience anxiety and depression. I no longer experience suicidal ideation at this time, which is amazing news as that was a really difficult experience for awhile. I am practicing positive thinking and gratitude, which is helpful, especially in the mornings as mornings are terrible for me. When I start tearing myself down in the mirror, I immediately sit with those feelings and start telling myself how much I love myself and some positive things about myself. (This morning, it was, “Girl, look at those brows. You’re getting better at drawing on those brows. Shimmer would be so proud of your progress”). The shadow part of me wanted to compare to other people (jealousy) but I knew it went deeper than that. I knew that insecurity went so much deeper. That’s as blog post for another day.
I am diving into the shadows.
Uniting my dark and my light so I may be whole.
Healing myself so I may continue on my path as a healer.
Loving myself so I may love more fully.
Accepting myself so I may truly accept others.
Being grateful for what I have so I do not envy or feel lack.
Showing grace for myself so I show grace towards others.
I know I will be free.
